Section 15 ½
New Agent Indoctrination Packet
and Manifesto
Welcome, recruit! One of the few serious things I’ll tell you
here is that some of these links will take you away from this website. They have been santized for your protection,
but it’s your clicking, not mine!
Anyway, welcome! We’re glad that you decided to join Section
15 ½ in our struggle to make the Federation secure.
<whispering>
Oh, we have been informed
that we do not have your Oath of Allegiance on file. It’s okay… this isn’t anything bad. It just means that should you divulge any of
this information to unauthorized sources, you will have to:
a) Be killed
b) Recruit 50 new members into Section 15 ½ , or
at least the person you reveal the information to.
c) Be tickled with feathers until you cry “Merci!”
d) Pull off a temporal dislocation to pre-authorize your
source
You may choose whichever
option suits you at that time. Okay?
A brief history of Section
15 ½.
There is a Vulcan Secret Service. No, that’s not a secret: it’s existence was revealed in a frelling episode
of Star Trek, people! This secret service, though had another
Secret Service within it. This mini
cabal was comprised of Vulcans who thought it would be wonderful to be
emotional once and a while. No, that’s
not a secret, either: it was revealed in
Enterprise,
OK? Patience, grasshopper!
They were a little whacko, as was Sybok,
but not all emotional Vulcans are completely nuts. Unfortunately, Vulcans who choose to develop
emotions do so at the expense of their rational and logical nature. They don’t see it as unfortunate. I’m trying to narrate some history here,
though, and not get into some pseudo-philosophic discussion. Which is hard when your rational and logical
nature has been compromised.
This secret-secret-service found out that there exists
within the United Federation of Planets another secret-secret organization. I’d tell you its’ name, but then they
would have to kill you. They
are not terribly disposed to allowing people slide by with being tickled or
anything like that as an alternative.
Trust me, you don’t want to know who they
are, or anything else about anything
in Star Trek.
Except that some of the secret-secret-service (Vulcan)
tried to infiltrate this other secret-secret-service (Federation.) The problem with that was simply that the
members of the Federation group usually have only their wits to rely on. As cleverly alluded to in the
non-psuedo-philosophic discussion just two paragraphs ago, this poor band of
amused pointy-eared spies don’t have all their logical faculties. They only have about half their wits about
them.
When they were spurned by this other great group of guys,
the Vulcan half-wits decided that they simply had to take over the
universe. That way this other group of
pikers would just have to report to them.
Again unfortunately, they do not have the usual arsenal
of ray-guns, power beams, super-destruct-o-matic doomsday machines, or any of
that. We, er, they are also quite
peaceable creatures of love and logic.
And some absurdist sense of humor.
Anyone can blow up the universe.
It takes real genius to make it smile.
So, our usual weaponry consists of whatever fun things we can find.
a) Rubber chickens
b) Spam
c) Feathers
d) REALLY bad puns – the kind that make you think about
maiming the poster
e) Corrupting the sci-fi universe with all sorts of
humor, especially cross-genre corruption
f)
Friendly, well
intentioned and humorous subversions which make people laugh
g) Fishes (especially preferential to mutated varieties
which look especially funny and taste real good.)
Actually
we stole fishes away from another group, but more about that in just a minute.
So
this group of people who are just coincidentally one plomeek cube short of
synthesizing some tasty broth proudly halved that other groups’ title, and
became…..
Section 15 ½
The
most feared – well, laughed at – group in the
Galaxy.
Where Section 15 ½ agents
operate:
We would tell you the whole list, but that would
compromise our operations.
Oh, okay, we give up.
Currently Section 15 ½ s extensive operations exist at Ex-Isle, a Bulletin Board System of wonderful sci-fi enthusiasts. You should really go there and check them out. In fact, you should become a member. In fact, at the moment it’s almost the only way to join it. It has its’ own history which predates Section 15 ½ , and was originally mainly fans of another great sci-fi show. They wonderfully embrace a philosophy strongly resembling IDIC*, though, so they even welcome Trekkies!
As Section 15 ½ s membership extends throughout the
virtual galaxy, we certainly will shamelessly plug those other locations, also.
We also like to embrace the
philosophy of IDIC*. As such, we don’t
even require that you are a Vulcan or surgically alter your ears to become
one. Wasn’t that nice of us?
All we ask is that you try to embrace all other human /
Vulcan / Vedran / Nietschean / Motie / bipedal / omnipedal sentient beings as
the wonderful people he / she / it / they are.
Care about them. And that you try
once in awhile to make people smile.
That’s pretty much what
Section 15 ½ is and does. We do maintain
membership lists, a tedious and time-consuming task. Not at this particular moment, since there is
only one. But there does not have to be
only one. I’d love you to join us, well,
me. If you are a member of any other factions,
you may still join us. What they do to
you, that’s their problem. And yours.
Section 15 ½ members are
free agents. You act independently for
the good of the universe. We don’t
really have meetings, support groups, 12 step programs, or anything other than
fellowship with each other. (Though as a
member in good standing, you may wish to come to the aid of someone in, say, a
trout war.) It’s not so much that we are
a faction as a bunch of silly anarchists who band together for mutual
silliness.
We are currently attempting
to open diplomatic relations with the Purple Pouncy Despotism. (Actually, we’re trying to shamelessly
advocate our cause along side certain well known PNBs on Ex-Isle. See how devious we can get?)
You can also secretly declare
your allegiance. We’ll only tell our bellman,
boots, barrister, broker, billiard-maker, banker, beaver, baker, butcher,
and membership list. Not anyone
else. Honest!
Are you
ready to join us?
If not, please smack
yourself into senseless amnesia with the closest twelve eyed trout. We’d hate to have to tickle you or anything
like that. Unless you’re willing.
If you’d like more information, or
to join Section 15 ½…
Send a
Personal Message on ExIsle (requires registration) to our Secret-Secret
Chairman of the Bored, LaughingVulcan.
You may wish to email the
chairman. Well, fine. But you half to decipher the following puzzle
to prove that you’re at least a half-wit:
dre_exisler hat
laughingvulcan doot borg
Now, should you take the
thing you wear on your head and change it into an @ sign, and should drop an
“o” from doot, and should you remove a bee from the Borg, and then squish it
all together…. You’ve either got my email
address or a plain mess.
See, I hate doing that, but
spam-bots are no-wits. And I hate
spam. Except to eat. And as a Monty Python allusion.
*IDIC: An anagram for Infinite Diversity in Infinte
Combinations. First referred to in the
Star Trek: The Original Series episode In Truth is There No Beauty?
**No, there wasn’t any two
asterisked thing above. But I need to
tell you for legal purposes that the Star Trek franchise is owned by Paramount
Pictures, Inc. This is a fan endeavor,
not for profit nor sale. No Vulcans were
harmed in the making of this website.
Not permanently. I’d rather
reserve any rights I’ve got remaining, and I will plead the fifth
amendment. Or commandment – please don’t
kill or sue me. Nor shalt thou steal
without asking, if you’re going to be nice.